Just a thought. Why can't alcohol companies connect pipes to our houses similar to the water and we just pay them at the end of the month?
New year's resolution - give up smoking and w*nking. It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 20-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.
My wife is on a diet, all she eats all day are coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight but you should see her climb trees! - Tommy Cooper
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want." The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret." The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10." The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15." The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
I was hoovering my flat today and did what every single man on this planet has done at least once when hoovering. I looked at the hoover, and then looked at my penis, then I looked at my hoover and then my penis, and thought to myself, hang on a f*cking second, I've got a penis, why the f*ck am i doing the hoovering!
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a blow job she would appreciate it if I told her when I'm about to come. Do you think that I should phone her, or would a text suffice?
I have a special trick I do with my tongue when I want to have sex with the wife. I use it to lie when I tell her that I love her.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
Saw an amazing oppurtunity online on how to make a few extra quid. So for £29.99, I sent off for a book titled "How to scam people". Thing is, after 3 months I'm still waiting for the book!
please log in to view this image alankemp alkemp57 A coastguard officer has been awarded the British Empire Medal after being involved in rescuing 2000 people He said, it’s a great surprise, I only started six weeks ago 7:38 AM · Jan 1, 2023
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination, he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise, a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause, a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
