You know the ads that say "as seen on t.v." . . . . well it came in handy as I've just sold some dust to someone on ebay.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... . ........ "What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!"
My Wife just phoned me and the conversation went like this :- Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Xmas..??? Me: "Yeah." Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds." Me: "Right, I've done that".. Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..??? Me: "I can see that, yeah." Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..?? Me: Okay, I see them." Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..??? Me: "Yes...! I can see him".. Her: Right..! "Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday!!"
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up.... and all the other bells started to ring
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life . . . . get wasted all of the time and you'll have a wonderful life Billy Connolly
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time on Christmas Eve and asks, "Do you have any Turkeys?" The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only Turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs 1.5 kg. The woman looks at the Turkey and the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the Turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan. The scales now show 2 kg. "That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."
