An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven & that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest & went along his way. Next stop was in Lincoln. There, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London & he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven & that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you, said the American. He then travelled to York, Durham & Liverpool In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, then decided to travel to West Wales to see if the Welsh had the same phone. He arrived in the smallest city in the UK, St David's, & again, as he entered the magnificent cathedral, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "50 pence per call". The American was surprised so he asked the vicar about the sign. "Reverend, I've travelled all over England & I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50 pence here?" The holy man smiled & answered, You're in Wales now, son ... it's a local call."
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think ya doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill meself". Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"
A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just **** in the air filter'. She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?'
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
