A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?" The assistant replied, "No. It kills them!"
A mate, who's recovering from illness, asked me to visit but his lane was so full of potholes i couldn't get down ... ... I'll just have to wait 'til he resurfaces
Just done my good deed for today, this morning at the Aldi check out I was behind an old lady in the queue, her bill came to £52 but she only had just under £50, she didn't want me to help her but I insisted and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
I've just got some cash out and the machine asked if I want an advice slip. Imagine my surprise when it said 'stop w*nking in the toilets at work'
The kids have been so excited all day because I told them that a jolly fat man with reindeer was coming. You should have seen their faces when the butcher turned up with the venison for Christmas dinner.
My mate with no arms or legs was going to swim across the river wear for charity, but it was so cold he had to get out halfway across because he had cramp in his ears.
Just got in from this year's schizophrenic nativity pantomime, it was a great show until we shouted "he's behind you", that's when it all kicked off.
Paddy who is slightly deaf is guarding the palace and is told to shoot to kill if you think they are a suspicious character, a bloke walks towards him and Paddy says who goes there and the bloke replies the army chaplain, paddy asks again who goes there and again the man replies the army chaplain, Paddy blasts the daylights out of him walks across and turns him over and says, Ha I knew it wasn’t Charlie Chaplin.
My wife’s varicose veins are so bad, last night she went to a fancy dress party as a ordinance survey map.
