My missus just asked, "Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you're out?" "Can you not wait until you've opened your Christmas presents?" I replied.
Christmas Dinner.... I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs... It's a Sunday dinner for f*cks sake!!! We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not! Here goes... 1. Turkey... It's a big f*cking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked! 2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs,pine nuts and a **** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no f*cking wonder he's bankrupt if thats what he spends to make stuffing!) What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking . 3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one aswell.... Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto! I ( nor any other person I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to p*ss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy 4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the f*cking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough! 5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same . 6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl! (oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a f*cking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!) 7. Family.... Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace! Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc. And Finally..... NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET P*SSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!! Well done for reading it all Rant over
I had a mate who was so optimistic his glass was always half full. Anyway, he died of dehydration in the Sahara desert.
Every year I get invited to Christmas dinner with the same group of annoying people. I wish I could say no but they're my wife and children.
I was reading the dosage instructions on my wifes new antibiotic prescription. "F*cking hell," I said, "You're going to struggle to take these." "Why?" she asked. "Its just two tablets, four times a day." " 'On an empty stomach' ?" I quoted.
A puppy's not just for Christmas. If you slice it thinly enough, you can have enough left over for Boxing day.
Completely unexpected... And a complete shock if I'm honest. The most wonderful gift I could wish for especially this time of year. Especially after the **** show that this year has been. Sometimes there are some unexpected things that make sense in life. So proud to be able to share with you this wonderful news finally with everybody... A little miracle.... As you can see, my liver is fully functional and ready for Christmas and New Year. What a relief!
A guy walks into a bar, and he's got a duck on a biscuit tin. Barman says, "What's that?" Guy says, "It's a dancing duck, watch." He puts the duck on the biscuit tin on the bar and after a few minutes the duck stands up and begins to bob from one foot to the other, just like it was doing a little dance. "That's fantastic!" says the barman. "That'd make a great talking point for my pub! I'd like to buy it!" They agree a price and the guy goes off. The next morning, the barman opens up, and he proudly puts the duck on the biscuit tin on the bar and waits for it to start dancing. Nothing, it just sits on the biscuit tin on the bar. Barman tries everything he can think of to get it so dance: feeds it, gives it some water, plays it some music. All to no avail, it just sits there on the biscuit tin on the bar. Barman's right gettin' the hump now, just when the guy walks in again. "Oi!" says the barman, "This duck you sold me's a dud, it doesn'tdance!" The guy looks surprised and says, "Hang on, let me have a look." So he takes the duck off the biscuit tin and puts it in the bar, then he takes the lid off the biscuit tin and has a look inside. "Oh, no wonder!" he says, "You forgot to light the candle."
An old Scotsman had a routine for cold weather When it got cold, he'd cup his hands around a candle and get his face close to his hands When it got really cold, he'd light the candle.
