Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

After lengthy discussions with my wife, we decided that due to the current financial climate we will keep the Xmas presents to the minimum. I was going to get a really top of the range ironing board complete with a usb charging port fitted so she could keep her phone charged while ironing, but we did agree a cost saving xmas and hopefully she will love this homemade ironing board i made from bits of wood i had stashed in the loft. I feel so proud to have a little skill to hopefully make it a great day for her. I am asking for suggestions to which of the wrapping papers to use though. Love you darling. XXX.

 

The police knocked on my door and said my dog was chasing a kid on his bike
I shut the door
My dog doesn’t have a bike

 

Hoping my mate's girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December...
No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.

 

We were so poor as kids my dad went round and closed all the doors on Christmas Eve just so we could have something to open on Christmas morning

 

£500 reward
Someone's broken into my girlfriends house and they’ve taken a load of personal items, most of which is custom made and can't be replaced !! If anyone comes across any ebay or Gumtree posts selling any of it, or is offered any of the listed items, please let me know or you can text me and discretion is assured. The Reward has been offered for information leading to the recovery of these items..
Items stolen
1 x 18” light up sparkle unicorn dildo
1 x gimp gag mask (it has a sequin finish)
1 x large tube of tuna flavoured lube
1 x Cucumber
1 x signed photo of David Dickinson
1 x Latex glove with novelty fingers
1 x rope
1 x bag of cable ties
1 x pair of nipple tassels
1 x roll of gaffer tape
1 x Anal butt plug
2 x pink fur lined handcuffs
1 x Paddle
1 x deluxe inflatable goat.
1 x foot pump
1 x jls cd
1 x westlife (live in concert) dvd.
1 x Thomas the Tank shaped butt plug.
Oh and ... five gold riiiiiings..
Reward for any info...

 

My dad would always light a roaring fire on Christmas eve as a treat for us kids ...

... sadly it stopped Santa coming down the chimney.

We didn't have the heart to tell dad.

 

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I had a kids meal at McDonald’s today
His mam got really angry

 

When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating flamingos
I had to put my foot down

 

My wife apologised for the first time ever today
She said she was sorry she married me

 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there
He said I can’t complain

 

To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing

 

My girlfriend invited me over to watch Netflix
When I got there she said I have to do the laundry won’t be long
Her sexy sister asked if I wanted sex
I got up and went to the car
My girlfriend hugged me as I went out of the door
I knew I could trust you
Morale of the story is
Always leave your condoms in the car