The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think that I'm ready to compete just yet."
One good thing about electric cars is them not being able to tow a caravan for more than about 5 yards.
Five surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on. The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital says, "No, I really think that librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital said "I like construction workers . . . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over.' The fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he said 'You're all wrong . . . . Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine . . . . and the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
WARNING Some shops are reported to be selling counterfeit Mr. Kipling mince pies . . . . apparently they're exceedingly good fakes.
I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week. That's the first time that I've ever won a game of Scrabble.
