The wife leans over to me today, and says “ my nipples are as hot today as they were fifty years ago”. I said "they ought to be, ones in your coffee, and the others in your porridge".
A man is visiting his wife who is in hospital in a long term Coma. The nurse and a Doctor pull him to one side and tell him that they've had a breakthrough. They explained that while they were washing between her legs she moved a little and made a small moaning sound. The Doctor suggests that they give him and his wife a little privacy and he tries oral sex with her to see if it simulates her out of the coma. He readily agrees, and they leave the room. Two minutes later all the alarms go off on the monitors and they come rushing back in. "What happened ?" asked the Doctor? "I don't know" says the husband "I just got going and she started gagging and choking"
Warning: If you get sent a link to listen to the Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song, don't open it. It's a link to listen to the Ed Sheeran and Elton John Christmas song.
I was walking down the road last night when I was tripped over by a violin? quickly followed by a bassoon to the face and finally a cello fell on my head. It was an orchestrated attack.
My wife walked into the living room and noticed our seven-year-old son crying. I said, "I just told him about Santa." "For f*ck's sake!" she yelled. "He's still too young to find out that's Santa's not real." "Not real?!" he sobbed. "Dad just told me he won't be at the shopping centre this Saturday."
