1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    A guy has a pet duck and they are inseparable.
    Walking past the local cinema one evening, duck under his arm, man notices a one off showing of his favourite movie Casablanca, is due to start in 15 minutes. He goes to the box office to buy a ticket but is refused entry with the duck. Desperate to see the film, the man hides the duck down his trousers and returns to the box office, buys a ticket and goes to the rear stalls.
    During the performance, the duck becomes restless. So as not the cause a fuss, the man opens his zip fly and the duck pops his head out for fresh air.
    A courting couple are sitting next to the man, and the girl nudges her boyfriend , and whispers, "Fred. The man next to me has got his 'thing' out"
    Boyfriend, " Don't fuss. You've seen one before"
    Girl, "I know, but this one is eating my popcorn"
     
    #6741
    Eireleeds1 and Diego like this.
  2. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect.

    After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

    However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

    The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

    As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

    To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

    His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

    With his eyes watering, he replied:

    "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse."
     
    #6742
    Eireleeds1 and Diego like this.
  3. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
    Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
    Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
    The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
    Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
    The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
     
    #6743
    Eireleeds1 and Diego like this.
  4. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6744
    stonkin and 2020VisionofLeeds like this.
  5. 2020VisionofLeeds

    2020VisionofLeeds Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2011
    Messages:
    11,253
    Likes Received:
    7,712
    I really am a sexist bastard 9877CF78-65F7-4563-A3FC-C2516832FFEC.jpeg
     
    #6745
  6. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2011
    Messages:
    29,228
    Likes Received:
    27,480
    <laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh>
     
    #6746
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2022
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  7. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6747
    brisbane-lion, Eireleeds1 and Diego like this.
  8. Aski

    Aski Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2012
    Messages:
    3,728
    Likes Received:
    6,845
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6748
  9. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2011
    Messages:
    29,228
    Likes Received:
    27,480
  10. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    #6750

  11. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2011
    Messages:
    4,742
    Likes Received:
    2,748
    #6751
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6752
  13. Gessa

    Gessa Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2018
    Messages:
    11,958
    Likes Received:
    21,900
  14. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    I was playing strip poker with the wife earlier and have to admit I was cheating like f*ck.
    It was the only way I could get her to keep her clothes on.
     
    #6754
    OLOF and Diego like this.
  15. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6755
    Diego likes this.
  16. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    A woman rings hubby and tells him that she's been promoted at work . . . . she is now the manager's personal assistant and will have to work late some nights, starting tonight.
    At breakfast the next morning hubby notices her new watch.
    When asked about it the wife says that she won it in the weekly office raffle.
    A week later she rings him to say that she has to attend a late meeting with the boss.
    Next morning hubby notices her new Gucci purse and asks how can they afford it. "It's okay" she says. "I won it in the weekly office raffle."
    One evening the following week they arrive home at the same time and she tells him that she has to go out again to attend a special client meeting and can he run her a bath while she shaves her legs.
    When she goes to the bathroom she is shocked to see half an inch of water in the bath and asks hubby "What's the meaning of this?"
    Husband says "I didn't think that you'd want to get your raffle ticket wet."
     
    #6756
    Diego and wakeybreakyheart like this.
  17. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    please log in to view this image
     
    #6757
    OLOF and Diego like this.
  18. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    Claude is 81, and Maude is 79. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. Whilst basking in the glow of the magic moments that they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts . . . . Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known that she was still a virgin, I'd have been more gentle.'
    Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known that he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off.'
     
    #6758
    Diego and brisbane-lion like this.
  19. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2011
    Messages:
    4,742
    Likes Received:
    2,748
    <laugh><laugh><laugh> You're a bad, bad man, Makemstein.
     
    #6759
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  20. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58,377
    Likes Received:
    113,965
    picking on me eh, when i get to Aus a pair of tights won't protect you:emoticon-0102-bigsm:emoticon-0102-bigsm
     
    #6760

Share This Page