A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists. That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nicola batted her eyelashes and with a sexy look, asked if there was anything she could do for him? He said, 'Could you maybe take the dog for a wee walk.'
Three hundred thousand BMWs have been recalled with a serious electrical fault. Apparently their indicators started working.
A little old lady telephoned her supplier to order some incontinence pads,the operator asked where are you ringing from? She replied from the waist down
My dog swallowed the TV remote control. So now I have to pat his stomach to get BBC, rub his neck to get Sky, stroke his back to get ITV and I’ve decided to give up watching Channel 4.......
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it...... The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition...... He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years...... 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..... That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..... Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family..... 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes..... "No problem"... He says.. And in they go.... Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes..... In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes..... They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word..... As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..... He leans over and kisses Sandra..... No one says a word..... He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word..... So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents...... His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..... He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too..... Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, an Joe sits down.... His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still.....Total silence..... All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain..... Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket..... Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the ****in’ dishes.....!!
An Extinction Rebellion protestor collapsed and had to be revived today after his parents rang to tell him they’d found him a job. Our thoughts are with him at this difficult time.
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?" "Ummm... 4!" the blonde says. Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?" "Ummm... 10!" the blonde says. "Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" "Ummm... I don't know," she admits. "Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. "Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case !!"
For those of you who don't know how to satisfy a woman. The G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.
