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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    Which thread do we put that on?
     
    #13181
    Didley Squat, Nov 3, 2022
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Today's the day, although tomorrow never comes....
     
    #13182
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 3, 2022
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  3. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    but today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic
     
    #13183
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 3, 2022
    San Diego, Taffvalerowdy and Wooperts_duck like this.
  4. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2022-11-4_8-52-36.png
     
    #13184
    Taffvalerowdy, Nov 4, 2022
    Wooperts_duck, San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  5. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #13185
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 4, 2022
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  6. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    A married couple were getting ready for work when he looked at her and said, "I gotta have you! Now!"
    He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and had his way.
    He was glad that he did, because she screamed and wiggled more than he'd ever noticed before.
    As he dressed, he noticed that his wife was still writhing against the door.
    He said, "Honey, that was the best!
    You have never moved like that before. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
    She replied, "No. I'll be okay as soon as I get this doorknob out of my arse!"
     
    #13186
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 4, 2022
    BluefromBridgend, Wooperts_duck, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  7. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.


    He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


    An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.


    Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”


    The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:


    “He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, six children, two under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
    Can I come with him tomorrow?”
     
    #13187
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 4, 2022
    BluefromBridgend, Wooperts_duck, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  8. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2022-11-4_18-12-59.png
     
    #13188
    Taffvalerowdy, Nov 4, 2022
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775 " he said. "Very good!"

    "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863". "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

    "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".

    The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".

    She heard a loud whisper: "f**K the Japs". "WHO SAID THAT? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up "General MacArthur, 1945".

    At that point, a student in the back said "I'm gonna puke". The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".

    Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little s**t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".

    The teacher fainted.

    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said "Oh s**t, we're screwed!"

    Little Akio said quietly "The Labour party if Scotland goes independent".
     
    #13189
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2022
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 4, 2022
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  10. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #13190
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 4, 2022
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  11. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    The last time Matt Hancock ventured into the bush, it cost him his job
     
    #13191
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 5, 2022
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  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    An old lady goes to the doctors and says

    I have a problem passing gas but they are silent and don’t smell

    In fact I’ve done it a few times here already

    the doctor gave her some pills and told her to come in two weeks

    She kept the appointment and said to the doctor

    I don’t what those pills where but now my farts smell of old rotten fish

    the doc replied

    That’s good

    Now we have sorted your sinuses out we can work on you hearing
     
    #13192
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 5, 2022
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  13. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

    12 months of training wasted
     
    #13193
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 5, 2022
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  14. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving.
    Just so they'll look in the f*cking mirror occasionally.
     
    #13194
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 5, 2022
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #13195
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 5, 2022
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem...
    A few days later he receives a parcel with a note..
    "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit.
    The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate"...
    The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint...
    A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit...
    The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part"...
    Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint...
    The couple days later he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
    "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of raspberry caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple"
     
    #13196
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 5, 2022
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #13197
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 5, 2022
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  18. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2022-11-6_14-45-40.png
     
    #13198
    Taffvalerowdy, Nov 6, 2022
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  19. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2022-11-6_15-3-27.png
     
    #13199
    Taffvalerowdy, Nov 6, 2022
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #13200
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 6, 2022
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Page 660 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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