The barnsley joke page

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

 

In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

 

The guys at the golf club asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.

 

Three pregnant women attended hospital to find the gender of their babies

While chatting in the waiting room one lady said she was sure hers would be a boy cause during sex she was on the bottom

Another Lady said she was sure hers would be a girl cause she was on top

The third one a Blond said can't wait to see my puppies

 

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THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years, and upon her return, her dad cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mam through?'
The girl, crying, replied 'Dad . . . . I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what !? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot ! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'Okay, Dad . . . . as ye wish. I only came back to give Mam this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, and a 5 million euros savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside and membership to the country club (takes a breath) and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh, my goodness. Ye scared me half to death, girl ! I thought ye said a Protestant ! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug'

 

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Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced,
"Please prepare for a crash landing!"
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first."
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned
"Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first."
The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties.
"Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned.
"Well they always search for the black box first?"

 

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