my neighbour is into this reincarnation thing, he said "do you not believe in it then".... i replied "nah,it's all mumbo jumbo to me and anyway why would you want to come back as a tin of milk"
I'm sick of all these idiots letting fireworks off too early, days and weeks before bonfire night, it's scaring the life out of my dog, the poor bastard won't come out from under the Christmas tree.
on holiday in the gambia i was told to go to the "must visit" beach, upon arrival i could see what all the fuss was about it was packed....some quick thinking was needed to free up a bit of space, i spotted a trinket guy and beckoned him over and bought some of his junk then i said "i need a favour, i am supposed to be meeting someone here but didn't specify exactly where, so as you are walking along would you call out her name every so often, and i will stay near this palm tree".... "sure i will do that, what's her name..?".......it's ivy...ivy bowler
Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV. The Man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a while of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation. He tells them that he's studying medicine and not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow. Lo and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down and relax. "So" says the wife, "What do you think he'll become after he finishes school . . . . a General Practitioner or a Surgeon ?" "Well" says the man, rubbing his nose "By the smell of his fingers I guess that he's likely to become a gynaecologist."
A married couple were getting ready for work when he looked at her and said, "I gotta have you! Now!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and had his way. He was glad that he did, because she screamed and wiggled more than he'd ever noticed before. As he dressed, he noticed that his wife was still writhing against the door. He said, "Honey, that was the best! You have never moved like that before. I didn't hurt you, did I?" She replied, "No. I'll be okay as soon as I get this doorknob out of my arse!"
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party, but he doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note . . . . "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks that this is terrible because they have just highlighted his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit . . . . the long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from highlighting his wooden leg to highlighting his bald head, and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint. A couple days later he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of raspberry caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple"
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, six children, two under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving. Just so they'll look in the f*cking mirror occasionally.
