In an interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility..... Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes, sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes, sir.' Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
Three pregnant women attended hospital to find the gender of their babies While chatting in the waiting room one lady said she was sure hers would be a boy cause during sex she was on the bottom Another Lady said she was sure hers would be a girl cause she was on top The third one a Blond said can't wait to see my puppies
i had to go to see a therapist as i had started to take every single term or phrase literally, he sat there looking inquisitive then said "tell me,as a small boy did your mother ever raise her hand to you"..........i said "let's get one ****ing thing straight right now, my mother was never a small boy!"
Went to see my dyslexic mate today. I caught him using black shoe polish on his penis. I was confused, I'm sure I told him to turn his clock back.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing!" The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned "Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well they always search for the black box first?"
i got dumped by a deaf girlfriend for one of her other deaf mates, bit gutted for a while but looking back i should have seen the signs
Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV. The Man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a while of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation. He tells them that he's studying medicine and not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow. Lo and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down and relax. "So" says the wife, "What do you think he'll become after he finishes school . . . . a General Practitioner or a Surgeon ?" "Well" says the man, rubbing his nose "By the smell of his fingers I guess that he's likely to become a gynaecologist."
