Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Come down stairs this morning seen the wife cooking breakfast in her slippers....
I thought to myself I have to buy her a frying pan one day

 

I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their arse whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"
He said, "No, What?"
I said, "You dirty b*stard!"

 

If a schizophrenic kills themselves is it murder or suicide?

 

A man was walking through a town one day when he passes a shop with a notice in the window.
The notice said.
“We sell everything”. The man could not believe this so he went inside.
He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson.
“Do you really sell everything?”
The salesperson said. “Yes, everything.”
Thinking that this was too good to be true the man said.
“OK then, could I have a jumper for a chicken?”
The salesperson said.
“A jumper for a chicken? Hold on . . . . I will have to check the stock out the back.”
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
“Here you go, one jumper for a chicken.”
“How much?” Asked the man.
“Three quid.” Replied the salesperson.
“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken? Excellent.” said the man.
So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he had been 'done' so he looked inside the bag.
At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop and screamed at the salesperson.
“Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom. What’s going on?”
The salesperson replied.
“Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens . . . . all that we had was a pullover for a cock.”

 

Oh dear . . . .

 

Guy goes up to an icecream van which is advertising any flavour you like.
Deciding to be a smart arse he says "do you really every flavour?"
The guy in the van says "sure do"
Smartarse saya "then i'll have pussy flavour" to which the icecream man replies "ome scoop or two?
He can't believe it and says "two of course"
Icecram man promptly hands ove a double scoop cone.
Guy smells it and thinks it smells like pussy
Takes a lick screws up his face and says "this tastes like ****"
Icecream man replies "you took too big a lick"

 

A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her. "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think that they're really clever.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on.

 

Fecking mad bastard

 

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xxX ¡¡sǝ⅄ ƃuᴉɯɹᴉɟɟɐ ʇnoɥʇᴉʍ ʇsɐd lloɹɔs ʇou op ¡¡ssǝuᴉddɐɥ puɐ ɥʇlɐǝʍ 'ɥʇlɐǝɥ 'ʞɔnl pooƃ ɟo sɹɐǝʎ 0Ɩ ɥʇᴉʍ pǝssǝlq ǝq llᴉʍ ʇxǝʇ sᴉɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ oɥʍ llɐ 'ʇɐɥʇ sʎɐs puǝƃǝ˥

 

Yes