A gang was caught robbing an Argos warehouse and it went tits up . . . . one of the thieves admitted that it didn't go to plan and it was a complete catalogue of errors.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb, which was the reason why he got the job in the first place . . . . it was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again, and he'd better tell me or I'll kill him" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK . . . . you win. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger"
Two lads met up in a bar one evening after not seeing each other for some time. After they'd finished the first drink, one of them said, “I'll get the next one in.” He went up to the bar and the barmaid – a rather buxom young lady – was serving another customer. The lad couldn't help staring at her tits. After a couple of minutes the barmaid came over to him and said, “What can I get you, sir?” The lad said, “I'd like two pints of tits, please...oh, I'm sorry – I meant two pints of TENNENTS. Sorry” The barmaid never blinked an eye, brought over the drinks and took the money. The lad went and sat down at the table with the drinks. His mate looked at him and said, “You look a bit flushed – are you feeling all right?” The lad said, “A bit flushed? ****, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life. See the barmaid? - she has a great pair of knockers and when she asked me what I wanted to drink, I accidentally asked her for two pints of tits instead of two pints of Tennents.” His mate replied, “Aw ****, I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I was sitting having breakfast with my wife. I meant to ask her to pass me the sugar but I ended up saying, “You've made my life a misery, you fat, ugly bastard!”
