Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The ****er had a window cleaning round."
Dianne Abbott visited Northern Ireland. She was asked, "What do you think of County Down?" She replied, "It's not been the same since Carol Vorderman finished."
I was walking home late at night and saw a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty quid ,” she whispers" I had never had a hooker before, but decided-- what the hell, it's only twenty quid. He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes..!... They're going at it hammer and tongs for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them; it’s a police officer..! "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer, "I'm making love to me wife", I answers sounding annoyed...! "Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!" "Well, neither did I", "til ya shined that feckin light in her face!!!”
Being dyslexic is not going to be easy for me at college. That's why I've decided to take up Physics. At least that way if I don't know the answer to a question I can just say stuff like, "You'll win the lottery in 10 years," and "You're going to have three children."
My blonde wife burnt my salad today. How stupid can somebody be? I told her that from now on, I'll be cooking my own salad.
I called my boss this morning and said, "I won't be coming in today, the car won't start." "What about the bus?" he asked. I said, "I haven't got a bus."
What do you mean fall for it ???? Are you saying that I shouldn't have sent my cash to that address ?
I've just watched a lovely heartwarming uplifting family movie about a magical Great White Shark that swims up to disabled people and magically gives them brand new limbs. Then I realised I was watching JAWS on rewind!
strange charity operating near me,every other week for no apparent reason they shove 6 bin liners through my door for my kitchen bin
