Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Another owldy . . . .

A man and wife are fast asleep in the middle of the night in their countryside cottage when they're woken by a knock at the door.

The husband puts on his robe, goes downstairs and answers the door to a desperate-looking man, drenched from the rain.

“I’m sorry to knock at such an hour, but could you give me a push, please . . . . I just can’t seem to get started”

The husband looks outside and sees the lashing rain and replies “sorry, mate, but it’s just too late . . . . I’m in bed with my wife” and closes the door on the poor, soaking fellow.

As he gets back in bed his wife asks “Who was it, and what did they want ?”

“Oh, it was just some bloke who wanted a push. I told him “no”

His wife, disappointed in her husband, replied “Do you not remember when we got stuck at night in the rain and couldn’t get anywhere and that man came and gave us a push ?”

Feeling slightly guilty the husband gets back out of bed, puts on his robe and says “you’re right. I’m going to see if he’s still there” and runs downstairs, opens the front door and shouts “MATE …MATE …. DO YOU STILL WANT THAT PUSH ?”

A distant voice replies “yes please”

Husband: “Where are you ?”

Man: ”I’m over here on the swing”

 

I decided to watch a porno last night and there was this fat guy masterbating . . . . then I realised that I hadn't switched the telly on yet !

 

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. . . . apart from him, of course

 

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The ****er had a window cleaning round."

 

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still remember the 'rate my poo' site, along with 'rate my boobs'....wonder how many of those early sites are still going.

edit: seems they are.

 

Rate my fart with a smell detector

 

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Another owldy . . . .

I was walking home late at night and saw a woman lurking in the shadows.
"Twenty quid” she whispers
I had never had a hooker before, but decided "what the hell . . . . it's only twenty quid."
He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it hammer and tongs for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people ?" asks the officer
"I'm making love to me wife" he answers, sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm so sorry" says the cop "I didn't know"
"Neither did I until you shined that feckin light in her face !”

 

Being dyslexic is not going to be easy for me at college, which is why I've decided to take up Physics.

At least that way if I don't know the answer to a question I can just say stuff like "You'll win the lottery in 10 years" and "You're going to have three children."

 

I called my boss this morning and said "I won't be coming in today 'cos the car won't start."

"What about the bus ?" he asked.

I said "I haven't got a bus."

 

"I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"
"Not at all," I told her.
"Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?"
"Not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look ridiculous with legs that f*cking size attached to it."

 

On my hallway wall for when Jehovah's witnesses calls