I was gutted yesterday when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine... She says, "that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school"...
I was very good at selling security alarms door to door... If no one was home, I'd leave a brochure on the kitchen table...
My wife is mad because she found some letters that prove I've been cheating... Now she refused to play Scrabble with me again...
Two rabbits escape from a research laboratory and find themselves in a field full of carrots, The rabbits cannot believe their luck and they begin eating until they fall asleep. The next day the young rabbit says to the old rabbit " I think it's time to head back to the lab". The old rabbit suggests they see whats in the next field, They find an entire field of cabbages and begin eating. The next day the young rabbit asks to go back to the lab, The old rabbit suggests seeing what is in the other field and once they crawl under the fence they find an entire field full of female rabbits. After an entire day of ****ing everything in sight the next day the old rabbit turns to the young rabbit and says " I think its time to head back to the lab" The young rabbit asks "Why the hell would you want to go back to the lab we have two fields full of vegetables and the other is filled with female rabbits what more could you want?!" The older rabbit replies, "I'm dying for a ***."
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes" Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
Police raided Kermit's lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer
A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
Another owldy . . . . If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.
