I'm not saying the wife is a fat greedy tw*t. But she's just cleaned the oven with two slices of bread.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink”. They tried it, and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realised that the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said "let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
My sex life is so bad I faked an orgasm last night. Wouldn't have been so bad, but I was having a w*nk.
Came home from the pub and caught a peeping tom watching my wife getting undressed. I was going to call the police but then I thought, nah - he's suffered enough!
