My wife recently told me: "We'd have less arguments if you weren't so pedantic". I replied, "Don't you mean 'fewer'?"
Another owldy . . . . A lad meets a fantastic looking chinese girl and after a couple of drinks she asks him to come back to her flat for a nightcap. When they get there she says "fix yourself a drink while I slip into something more comfortable" The girl returns wearing a sexy leather catsuit and says "I'm all yours for tonight . . . . whatever you want I will obey" The lad says "You're beautiful and I'd love a 69" The girl says "**** off . . . . I'm not cooking at this time of night"
When your wife is asleep naked, just pop an oversized pair of false teeth in her growler and take a selfie with it. Your mates will be well impressed that you had a meet and greet with Rylan Clark!!..
I just discovered that low salt and sugar baked beans are quite good . . . . you just have to add salt and sugar