Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I tried to steal spaghetti from a shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."

 

That won joke of the year from this year's Fringe Festival.
I would hate to see the other entries....

 

I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.

 

2. Mark Simmons: Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.

3. Olaf Falafel: My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

4. Hannah Fairweather: By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.

5. Will Mars: I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.

6. Olaf Falafel: I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.

7. Richard Pulsford: I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.

8. Tim Vine: I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.

9. Sophie Duker: Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.

10. Will Duggan: I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.

 

Why have African elephants got big ears ?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom

 

Audi are working on a car suitable for cowboys.

They're calling it Audi Partner

 

I did, and wished I hadn’t

 

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Snips from letters to the council

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

 

At this point in my life, my greatest chances of having a threesome is sex with a schizophrenic.

 

Just use both hands mate

 

Another oldie but goodie

 

What comes after 69 ?

Mouthwash.

 

Why did God give men penises ?


So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.