Jokes

Little boy walking home from the local shop carrying a loaf of bread with one hand and his other hand in his pocket.
Local Priest walks past him and say's
"Ahh my son, i see you have the staff of life in one hand what do you have in the other"
Little boy replies "a loaf of bread father"

 

What the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.

 

You can kiss a nun once, you can kiss a nun twice but you must never get into the Habit.

 

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seems like sir elton has put some pounds on recently and he has to have his levi's made to order.....goodbye normal jeans

 

I actually know vardys mum and stepdad

 

Be careful you don’t get called to contribute, I understand their having a whip round

 

You know his mum
Hes not yours is he?

 

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There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all of his money...
He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakes got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait A Minute!"

She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, "Yes l, I promised that. I'm a Good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that cakser with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

" I sure did", said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque"

 

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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".