One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night. She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa. I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I"m going to a fancy dress party as a hooker" "Really" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?" He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb." Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?" "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty."
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Started my job at the Samaritans last week. Tried to ring in sick today and the buggers talked me out of it...
I couldn’t afford to take the kids to Sea World. So I took them to the fish market, and told them they had to be quiet, because the fish were all sleeping.....
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn. A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I'll help you pick the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but Pa wouldn't like me to." "Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted. "Well, OK" the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile; "by the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon," replied the boy.
