The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air. "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!". "This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.." "TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, they must have seen you coming!!!!!
When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there". The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi". "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me" she said, offering her arm to her friend again... "Does that smell like come to you?"
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says "I don't feel anything". Bruce says "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out". So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass". Bruce starts singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint. Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on." The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence....!" "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
My mate was rushed into hospital this morning suffering from a severe case of premature ejaculation. I phoned the hospital to get an update of his condition and they replied, "it's touch and go at the moment."
A lovely woman from County died. She found herself outside a beautiful garden with splashing fountains and bright flowers; but she was alone and the gate was locked. When St. Peter finally came by, the woman said to him, "This is surely a wonderful place It must be heaven. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," said the saint. "What word might that be?" "Love." said he. Well , she spelled it all right and was admitted through the Gates of Heaven. About a year later, St. Peter asked this woman if she would mind guarding the Gates a short while for him. While she was waiting, her husband arrived. "How've you been?" she asked. "Oh, not bad," he said. "I married the pretty nurse who took care of you, and then I won the lottery. I sold our little cottage and bought a lovely mansion. My wife and I traveled 'round the world. Today I was skiing and broke my neck and...and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word." "What word?" "Czechoslovakia"
