A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding. Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. The waiter explains they have good taste. The meatballs are actually the bull testicles from the bull fight earlier that day. The fella says, they really look good, we’ll have the same. Oh, sorry senor but there is only one serving each day. If you come early and place your order tomorrow morning, we will hold them for you. The couple come in the next evening and are served the platter with the “meatballs”. The guy calls the waiter over and says, these are really good but they are much smaller than the “meatballs” on the platter yesterday. The waiter replies, sorry senor, but sometimes the bull wins.
Got hungry late one night and decided to go the a small local store to get some snacks. As I arrived I saw the manger locking the door. Got out of my car and said, “Hey, your sign says open 24 hours!” He looked up at me and said, “Not in a row.”
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
A teacher wanted to educate her class all about self esteem so she asked for anyone who thought that they were stupid to stand up! One kid at the back of the class all of a sudden stood up which kinda surprised the teacher cos she really wasn’t expecting anyone to stand up…… Still a little baffled the teacher said “ok, can I ask why you have stood up?” The boy replied “because I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself”
I felt sorry for a bloke in the pub last night who had a really bad stutter. He was telling us a story about his nan and within a couple of minutes everyone was singing Hey Jude.
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
