A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's fridge. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and enjoyed them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffolding to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Well, Smokey was no fool. He knew that this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me . . . . what should I do ?" From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke "Repaint, repaint, and thin no more !”
Isn't it strange to see so many tattoos on professional footballers considering how low their pain thresholds are
In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them. It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top. A word to the wise . . . . pile cream tastes disgusting.
Yesterday, a 45-year-old man was going to bed heard thieves in his garage. He called the police. Unfortunately, the officer on the phone told him they don't have any police officers free at the moment. The guy hung up and then called again in a moment and tells the officer: - it’s about these thieves in my garage. Don't bother coming anymore Ive shot them. After literally 2 minutes, 4 police cars, Armed response, counter terrorists, ambulances,..... Thieves were obviously caught. Police officers had a chat with the gentleman Officer says - “ You said you shot them! “ Gentlemen - “ And you said you don't have a free police car “ ..