Jokes

You can **** right off with that bollocks Elland. You're still in contact with someone who wanted to report you and get the site shut down.

 

SEX AFTER DEATH!!!
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Frank?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a f*cking rabbit somewhere in Scotland"

 

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

 

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"
"Hearing aids."

 

A woman gets cheated on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.
After a few days of traveling she reaches the top and meets the wise monk.

"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he's left me for another woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks:
"Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers.
"Do you want another one?"
"Sure, please".
The monk looks her in the eyes and say's
"Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks.
"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".

The monk shakes his head
"No, I mean stop eating biscuits you fat cùnt."

 

Got sent a photo from a speed camera through the post, I've sent it back it was very poor quality and way to expensive

 

when she was asked about the sunni and shia situation, diane abbott apparently said....."i'm pretty sure he's dead but 'i got you babe' was quite a catchy song"

 

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Shìt that Rog

 

They cum in the nick of time

 

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/image...cd048f674d13d882e18512787395f1a7809dd470c.jpg

 

If he's anything like me he won't last two minutes if he drives down a cobbled street!!

 

a scotch bloke takes his wife to the A&E with two black eyes and blood streaming down her face, the nurse asks "what's happened here".....the bloke replies "it's apparently a symptom of going through the change"
"this isn't a normal symptom,i can assure you" replied the nurse...."it ****ing is,when it's in my pocket"

 

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If that was in Scotland, would it be a wullie?

 

no the sporran would have softened the blow



getting a second opinion

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