It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared, but being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite Cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood that they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
Gloria Gaynor gave a dinner party for four of her friends and her sister, but unfortunately her sister didn't turn up. ''Don't worry'' she said to the others, I will serve five With jokes like that I should say . . . . 'Go on now go, walk out the door Just turn around now, 'cos you're not welcome anymore'
I had a computer shop and a bloke from the Navy brought a laptop in for repair. He said he'd been watching a lot of gay porn and thought it might be clogged up with seamen.
From tomorrow, Argos will be selling 30ft snooker tables for only £5. You need to get there early as the queues will be massive.
A policeman came up to me while I was walking through the park earlier "Excuse me, sir" he said, "I'm searching for a man; he's wearing a tracksuit, got a beard, about 5'10 - have you seen anyone matching that description?" "No I haven't" I replied, "I'll keep an eye out though, can't be many f*ckers around with a beard that f*cking long."
I think the new James Bond should be a woman. Just think how great it would be, great cars, big accidents and massive explosions. Just all that while parking the car.
Little Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, They happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, “My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone… And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard!
