Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Not funny but seemingly good advice I will share with my daughter today.

 

A woman weight lifter goes to the doctor.

“I’ve been taking steriods and now I’ve grown a cock!”

“Anabolic?” asks the doctor.

“no, just the cock!”

 

My wife asked do I look OK. I said Fab.

 

Hoping the Jubilee doesn’t disrupt bin day.

 

I drove up to Buckingham Palace and said to the guard, "Can you let me in . . . . I've got to cut Prince William's hair."

He said, "Have you got a permit ?"

I said "No . . . . just cut some off the back"

 

An African bloke knocked on the door today carrying a big bucket, and said to me "Can you fill this bucket, with clean water for me please?"
"Bugger me" I said to him, "How many miles have you walked, just for this ?"
He replied....
"NONE, you cheeky twat, I'm the new window cleaner"

 

Policeman :
I'm booking you for dangerous driving. You were swerving all over the road.

Driver :
Of course I was. There were nails all over the road. I couldn't drive over them.

Policeman :
In that case, I'm booking you for tacks evasion

 

Earl walked into a drug store
in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was
talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her
sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if
she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be
much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady
pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever
it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would
treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and
began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections
every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for
it.'
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said,
"We discussed it at length and this
is the absolute best we can do:
1/3 ownership in the store, a company
pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

 

I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

 

Life is like a penis.

Relaxed and hanging freely.

It's women that make it hard

 

little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.


After a number of times of this happening, the teacher became increasingly worried and asked him about it.


Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".


The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive shiner again.


"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"


He turns to explain: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving {you know} at the same time. Mom was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place while squealing like a demented hyena on the bed".... Then my father asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

*They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said 'Wait for me..

 

I went to our firms christmas party last night.
They played 'The Twist' so I twisted.
They played 'Jump' so I jumped.
Then they played 'Cum on Eileen' .I was asked to leave shortly after that..