My wife sent me a text last week: 'When you get home from work I'm going to strip naked and do a sexy dance for you' So far I have accumulated 94 hours overtime
I went to the doctor's yesterday. "Doctor, I've got this awful pain", I said, "I've had it for a while but I can't put up with it anymore, you need to give me something to get rid of it." "Okay", says the doctor,"I'm sure we can sort something out, where exactly is this pain?" "In the waiting room", I replied, "should I go and get her?"
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. ........I'm still one hole behind you."
I told my boss that I had three companies after me, so I was looking for a pay rise. He asked which three companies were after me. I said "electric, gas and water"
