Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

My Mrs bought some clippers the other day and shaved my head because her friend told her to improve her sex life she should shave her Tw*t .

 

A young Scottish media journalism student at the University of the Highlands was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountain of Ben Nevis where he found an old Crofter sitting on his porch.

He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked, "Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"

The Crofter thought for a moment, then said, "Aye, one time my neighbour’s wife, a fine looking woman, got lost. We formed a search party and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."

"I can’t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can’t you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"

The Crofter thought for a while longer then smiled. "Och Aye, one time a neighbour’s sheep got lost. We formed a search party to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it."

Again, the young man said "I can’t print that, either! Let’s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old Crofter dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"This one time, I got lost..."

 

I did put this on the music thread, but as she wore a Saints shirt on her 18th for us, please do tune in around 11:30am tomorrow to hear a live track and interview from our very own Fable. On 5Live that is!

This is a live scene photo of our prep…

 

Had an email from Saintsplayer, here it is in browser format:

https://shoutout.wix.com/so/3eO31p4Mk?languageTag=en&cid=d1f45a50-3583-4ec4-825d-51b9ff809110#/main

 

Me too! Got it sorted - they’re trying to get a new host for their main site ….

 

Yes, I suppose it was obviously a Russia-related problem. Funny that mine has never stopped working, I use apps on my iPad and Fire TV stick, maybe the server issue doesn’t affect those.

 

Just found my email in junk.
Tried to join the chat group but “Safari says it’s an invalid address”.
Being on an iPad should I click the option to download the MAC version?

 

I don’t know! Worth a try forvsure

 

I downloaded the iPhone version. Then closed it and clicked the link to join the group - worked a charm

 

Great interview and the song had some great feedback! Please pass my congratulations to Holly mate.

 

Cheers, just found mine in junk box

 

I’m now watching again on my Xbox

 

Brilliant, glad you got it sorted in time for the Great Thrashing on Tuesday!

 

In case anyone else wanted to listen to the interview/new song with Fable today - she’s on at around 1:44

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0017c44

 

Boris johnson falls overboard off of an Isle of Wight ferry. 3 young lads jump in and save him. Boris is so grateful he asks the 3 lads what they would like as a reward?
The first lad said I would like a new bike so Boris gets him a top of the range new bike.
The second lad said I would like a new train set so Boris gets him a really big train set. The third lad said I would like a coffin. Boris asks Why on earth would you want a coffin? The lad replied When my dad finds out it was me that rescued you I'm going to need it.

 

Interestingly, the first version of this joke I heard featured Derek Hatton, the Militant leader of Liverpool City Council in the 80’s. Still works after all these years.

 

The first time I heard it it was Margaret Thatcher

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the **** would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener.

Makes scents when you think about it.

 

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

“Try the ATM outside,” he said.