I told my wife I was feeling horny the other day. 'Well, we can soon sort that out' she said with a wink, and slowly undressed. She was right. I stopped feeling horny immediately.
I asked my boss, "Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas"...? She said, "It's May"...... "Sorry" I replied, "May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas"
After giving my son two karate lessons, he said he didn’t want any more. Still, at least I got my car waxed and my fence painted.
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A man is seeking to join the Metropolitan Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Tazer across the desk, he says: "Take this, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit? "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
My last girlfriend was just what I needed at my age. She's a football player, likes getting it in the box early and great with dead balls.
. GOVERNMENT NOTICE Due to the current financial situation caused by the Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. · This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). · Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). · Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). · A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate. · Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). · Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government. · Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens. · Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - Due to the Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
