When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
was at the train station today and a rabbi was on the opposite platform, i looked over at him and exchanged a wave and said "what times your train due"
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "LOVE dress? But you're naked!" "My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Unfortunately someone heard you and has complained to plod, so you'll be arrested, charged and publicly called a racist. Even if acquitted you'll have to emigrate because the wokies will hound you forever.
H His reply to you was awful i heard it. To question your lack of a father and insult your skin colour was one thing... But then to deny any knowledge of what time his train was scheduled was damn rude
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose. The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, And she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... Why do you ask The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'
went to put some cash in the bank today and as the woman was counting the notes she suddenly burst into a rendition of "downtown" at the top of her voice, i thought she's a peculiar clerk
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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".. The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes " she said " He's got one hanging there"....! The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50. He's the window cleaner"
