An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?' The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies: 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
A group of Arizona bikers were riding on the US-93 heading South when they came to the Hoover Dam where they saw a girl about to jump to her death. So they stopped their bikes and George, their 53 year-old burly leader, got off and made his way through the throng of gawkers, and passed the State Trooper who had been despatched to talk the girl down, and stopped near to where the girl was standing. George looked up at her and said “Watchca babe .... what you doing up there in that railing?” “I’m going to kill myself ...” she tearfully responded. Whilst he didn’t want to appear to be sensitive, George also didn’t want to miss the opportunity to ‘be a legend.’ “Hey honey babe, why don’t you give old George here your best last kiss before you jump?” So, without hesitation, she leaned back over the railings and gave George a long lingering kiss, quickly followed by an even longer and better smacker. After they breathlessly finished, George was given the thumbs-up from his fellow bikers, and even the State Trooper gave a nod of approval. “Wow, Honey, that’s the best kiss I’ve ever had. That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts.” “You could be famous if you joined our band of bikers.” “Why do you want to kill yourself?” asked George “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.....
A guy and his girlfriend went to see an X-rated movie. About half way through the movie she nudged him and said the guy next to her was jerking off real fast and hard. Her boyfriend told her to just ignore him. She said, “I can’t, he is using my hand.”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A new Drug has been submitted for approval to the NHS to help Lesbians with depression. If it passes they're going to call it 'Trycoxagin'
