£50 on Ukraine winning the Eurovision Song Contest. And they could be playing Greensleeves on the recorder!
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby.
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "£80" the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday
My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral today and hissed under her breath, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you flipping pay for this!" This just came out of the blue For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done to annoy her so much Then it struck me.... Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn......
A soldier who was renting a house from me has done a runner owing me six months rent. He told me he was a General, but I’ve since discovered he’s a Left Tenant.
Just got myself a 6ft 11 girlfriend. We haven't had sex yet but I'm looking forward to our 1st time. Apparently, she has a very small fanny cos everywhere we go, I hear men say 'Here comes that gorgeous bird with the little twat.
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?' The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies: 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
