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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12461
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 26, 2022
    Didley Squat and Makemstine Roger like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12462
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 26, 2022
    Didley Squat and Makemstine Roger like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.


    Son: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
    Dad: "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
    Son: "But Dad, I only see two."


    I bought a massive fish from the supermarket today, and when I got home I found out that all its insides were missing.
    Gutted!
     
    #12463
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 26, 2022
    Didley Squat, San Diego, Makemstine Roger and 1 other person like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12464
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 26, 2022
    Didley Squat, San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12465
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 26, 2022
    Didley Squat, San Diego, Makemstine Roger and 1 other person like this.
  6. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    upload_2022-4-27_7-47-48.png
     
    #12466
    Gordon Armstrong, Apr 27, 2022
    Didley Squat and San Diego like this.
  7. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...
    One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:

    "Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"

    Bert marks a pause, and replies:

    "Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"
     
    #12467
    Makemstine Roger, Apr 27, 2022
    San Diego, Didley Squat and Wooperts_duck like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"
    The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
    The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
    The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
     
    #12468
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 27, 2022
    San Diego, Didley Squat and Makemstine Roger like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
    a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
    grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
    barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
    The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
    around keen to know what they are celebrating.
    "Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
    baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
    Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
    the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
    Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
    Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
    of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
    Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
    says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
    25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
    how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
    does he weigh now?"
    The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
    25 pounds the day he was born!"
    The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
    beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
    says, "We had him circumcised!"
     
    #12469
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12470
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12471
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and BluefromBridgend like this.
  12. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2022-4-28_15-36-0.jpeg
     
    #12472
    Taffvalerowdy, Apr 28, 2022
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, BluefromBridgend and 1 other person like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12473
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12474
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12475
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
    Makemstine Roger, BluefromBridgend, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.
    Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
    The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
    “Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies.
    “So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused.
    The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”
     
    #12476
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
    Makemstine Roger, BluefromBridgend and San Diego like this.
  17. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

    The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

    "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

    "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

    "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

    "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

    The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

    The same thing happens for two weeks.

    Then one day the circus comes to town.

    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

    "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

    "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

    "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

    "At the circus," says the bartender.

    "The circus?" repeats the duck.

    "That's right," replies the bartender.

    "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

    "Yeah!" the bartender replies.

    "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

    "Of course," the bartender replies.

    "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

    "That's right!" says the bartender.

    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says:

    "What would they want with a plasterer?” :emoticon-0136-giggl
     
    #12477
    Taffvalerowdy, Apr 28, 2022
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Wooperts_duck like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled.

    Organisers were unable to agree if The Jam or Cream should go on first!
     
    #12478
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12479
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
    "£80" the dentist says.
    "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
    "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60."
    "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
    "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20."
    "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday
     
    #12480
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 28, 2022
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
Page 624 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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