A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.' The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?' 'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Oh, s*it Mum, I don't know, I think I’ll have some Cornflakes.' WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Cornflakes!'
I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes." "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70 !!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web......
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breast". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis". The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 feet. "That was great" the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "****e, there's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy asks, "What was his name?" Mick replies, "Miles from London."
I was appalled, yesterday, to see a sign saying, "Pickpockets are operating in this hospital." I know there are staff shortages but f**k me that's ridiculous!
This fella was showing his mate his new golf ball. He said "This is a 'state of the art' golf ball. You just can't lose it . . . . if it goes in the rough it beeps, it glows in the dark, it floats in water and has an inbuilt G.P.S." His mate asked "Where did you get it from ?" He said "I found it"
A man dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says “Your husband still has a hard-on . . . . what should I do with it ?” The wife replies “Cut it off and shove it up his arse” The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear “It hurts, doesn’t it"
My son didn't cope well with going to jail. He refused to eat or drink anything, he swore at everyone, and trashed his own room. We never played Monopoly again.
Due to the credit crunch, I'm now shopping in cheaper food outlets. Have you tried the Korean meatballs from Lidl? I'm telling you . . . . they're the dog's bollocks I liked this so I forwarded it to a couple of mates. 1st response: Maybe they are dog's bollocks. 2nd response: I'll tell my missus . . . . she likes Lidl. Perhaps I need new mates
God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "F*ck me! this"ll have to wear make up!"
I came home steaming drunk at 3 in the morning. My wife pointed at the clock and said, "What f*cking time do you call this?" So I explained to her again about the big hand and the little hand.
Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, back flips, moonwalking, the works. The other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied, “Looks like he’s still celebrating."
My girlfriend is getting quite suspicious about my behaviour. She'll often ring me four or five times a day asking where I am or what I'm doing. It really is very irritating. Even more so when my wife does it too.
