Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate. I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things.
My wife came back from shopping, she said.. “I’ve just seen my gynaecologist in Tescos and he recognised me!” I said.. “you’ll have to start wearing longer skirts!”
My teacher said I’d never be able to do poetry because of my dyslexia. I sure showed her! So far I’ve made two pots and an ashtray.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Oh, my gosh", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
An elderly man in Northern Australia had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back which was properly shaped for swimming, so he'd fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and it was fruit picking season. He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some of the fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Then holding up the bucket, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...' Some men may be old but can still think fast.
I’m a big fan of 1960’s tv Western series and googled ‘Bonanza’ and ‘Wagon Train’ However, I don’t recommend searching for ‘Whiplash’ and Rawhide’..........
Ted.. What did you say to Frank? He's in a terrible state Bob...Well he said he's got little bumps all over his body and I said my uncle had that and he was dead the next week Ted... Well you didn't have to tell him he died from it Bob... He didn't, he was hit by a bus
I went into the hairdressers today, I said, “what cut would make me look handsome?” She looked me up and down and said, “probably a power cut”
I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?" He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"
Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "****e, there's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy asks, "What was his name?" Mick replies, "Miles from London."
So this fella was showing his mate his new golf ball. He said, "This golf ball is state of the art!" "You just can't lose this ball, if it goes in the rough it beeps, it glows in the dark, it floats in water and has an inbuilt G.P.S.." His mate asked, "Where did you get it from?" He said, "I Found it".
