I started a business giving people the chance to use a flight simulator ... ... I thought it was a great idea but it didn't take off.
My nephew has just signed as an apprentice for Newcastle United. When people ask where he is we’ve been telling them he’s doing 18 months in borstal for shagging an Alsatian!
After 18 months in Newcastle mate, at least he will learn how to do it properly, and have a dog girlfriend called fido...........
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time
I really never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there......
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over!
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly as I burst into tears. "Come on man," the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put and end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing! But that's enough about me, how's your day going?"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
This is a message to the teacher who said that I'd never amount to anything. That was just a lucky guess ya tw*t.
