A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a packa...ge of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.............."
A painter gave a price to paint a church. When he got half way through, he realized he under bid the job, so he started thinning his paint. He finished at the end of the day. That night he tossed and turned all night. The next morning he got up and went to the church...sure enough his worse nightmares were realized. It had stormed all night and washed the thinned paint off half the church. As he stood there depressed with his head hung low, the clouds parted, the sun came out and a voice boomed from heaven: "Repaint, repaint and thin no more"
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought: "the streets are strangely desserted tonight".
My girlfriend and I went to see the new Batman movie last night on our 9th date. So far our dates have consisted of.......... Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman...
Mary answers a knock on her door. John, her husband's boss down at the brewery, was standing there and he said, " Hi Mary, unfortunately your husband, Greg, had an accident at work today and passed away." She starts crying and asks what happened. "He fell into a full vat of beer and drowned " he replied. "Oh, no. I hope he didn't suffer a lot." She sobbed. "I don't think he suffered too much, he got out three times to go to the toilet!"
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
BREAKING NEWS: Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage. Cases continue to rise…
Saw a sign on the train saying "Please give this seat to an elderly person". So I unscrewed it and took it to my grandma's house.
