Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ." The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property".. "Property?”, his wife replies. “The ****er had a window cleaning round."
I told my wife about the big lottery win and that I'd be retiring from work. She said "I'm going to retire as well". I replied "F*ck me, you won as well".
Lawyer: Did you kill him? Me: No. Lawyer: Do you know what the punishment is for committing perjury? Me: Much less than murder.
Our lass just phoned me and the conversation went like this . . . . Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?" Me: "Yeah." Her: "Wind it forward one hour 16 mins and 28 seconds." Me: "Right, I've done that" Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!" Me: "I can see that, yeah." Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other" Me: Okay, I see them." Her: "Well, behind those two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a woman gladiator holding a spear." Me: "Yes, I can see her" Her: "Right . . . . those are the sandals that I want for my birthday"
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing that I need!” Sleeping comes so naturally to me. I could do it with my eyes closed. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
