Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."
He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

A bloke on holiday plays a round of golf; he finishes and goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?” The man replied “fabulous, thank you.” “You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?” the man said, “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were

 

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probably been on before but with easter looming it might be a good time to throw it up here again...i find it funny as feck mind.

 

I've got a start on a poem for you, but I'm struggling to finish it mate. More Frankie Howard than Wordsworth.

For a hole in one did Rod hanker
But his first drive was a shanker
So the fan of Leeds
Was knee deep in weeds
What a total and hopeless ........... (just can't seem to find the right word here)

 

im shurt tonged fink it is shanker thpelt wiv a wubble u

 

This is quite skillful

 

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A couple of weeks ago Will Sutton scored against Sutton. I wonder if Dwight Yorke ever scored against York, Alan Sunderland ever scored against us or Stefan Kuntz against Newcastle

 

saw the sutton fact on f/book and i immediately had a thought that alan sunderland did score against us...hoping someone can confirm if he did or not as its doing my head in now.

 

Could the missing word be Yorkshireman, I'm crap at poetry mind.

 

I'm sure I remember him scoring at Roker Park but even I can't rely on my memory these days.

 

you still remember how to get to the pub though mate

 

My mum walked in while I was shaving my pubes.
"F*cking hell," I shouted. "You could have at least knocked!"
She said, "You could have at least shaved them in the bathroom and not the kitchen."

 

A school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.
One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes so I presume the dishwasher was broken.”
“Very good” said the teacher.
Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume the BMW wouldn’t start.”
“That’s excellent” says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he headed for the bush, I presume that....”
The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”
Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”
The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”
“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a **** because he can’t read.