A Priest gets into a bus and sits next to a drunk lad. The lad looks at the Priest and says "Father . . . . what is Arthritis ?" The Priest thinks that he'll give the drunk a lesson today, and says "Arthritis is someone that indulges in Alcohol, Drugs, Prostitutes, Promiscuity . . . . basically everything that is bad for you" The Drunk turns back to his paper and goes on reading. Just as the Priest is about to get up for his stop, he turns to the Drunk and asks "How long have you had Arthritis ?" The Drunk says "I haven't got Arthritis . . . . the paper says that the Pope has Arthritis."
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20yrs earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules so the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on the Thursday, with his wife flying the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an email to his wife, but he left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails, expecting messages from relatives and friends, but after reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read . . . .To my wife. Subject I've arrived date March 28th, 2022. I know that you're surprised to hear from me, but they have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in, and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing you then, and I hope that your journey is as smooth as mine was. p. s. it's bloody hot down here !
Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied :"4.1 million Illegal Immigrants, 1.1 million Crackheads, 4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers, 900,000 Criminals in over 85 Prisons, Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the Whole of the European Commission pension scheme." They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who the hell did I miss out then?.......
Is this a blonde couple or what ! A young couple were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had been accepted to adopt a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college to enrol in night courses. After they filled in the forms, the registration clerk inquired "What made you decide to study Japanese ?" The couple said proudly "We've just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk . . . . we just want to be able to understand him."
A prostitute said i could have sex with her at the reduced rate of £10 as she didnt have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it? She said "acwoss the woad against those wailings".
The man who invented Tupperware has sadly passed away… The funeral was delayed by an hour because they couldn't find the correct sized lid for his coffin!
The referee who introduced the red card has sadly passed away… His family and friends are going to give him a good send off!
I got the wife a new coat made out of hamster skin. I took her to the funfair last Saturday. It took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel !
