The barnsley joke page

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I got drunk the other night and ended up shagging a fat bird.
The next morning I said, "Here, if you want to see me again, ring this number."
She said, "Aawww, men don't usually give me their numbers."
I said, "It's not mine, it's ****ing WeightWatchers!"

 

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class...

"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework...

.. and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

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My instructor said 'Never brake if there's an animal in the road.'

You should have seen his face when I knocked the copper off his horse.

 

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "thanks"

I said "don't mention it"

 

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George is 80 and lives in an old people's home. Every night his friend Mabel comes to his room and holds his cock in her hand while they watch telly. Then one Saturday Mabel goes out to her daughter's for the night.
George was going to be alone then Nora, another inmate, says 'Hey George, as Mabel's not 'ere, can i come to watch telly in your room?' He says 'Ok then'.
When she arrives and sits near him, he says would you mind holding my cock?'
'Course not'. So she sits there with his cock in her hand. At the end of the night she says 'I enjoyed it. Can i comeback tomorrow?'
'No, Mabel's back'
'What's Mabel got that I 'aven't?'
He replies 'Parkinson's disease'