The barnsley joke page

So I was pulled over by a police car today. The officer asked, "Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?"
"No officer," I replied.
"Well," he said, "This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users".
"Thanks," I said, "So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then officer?"

 

So what they should really say on those daytime cooking shows:

"Hello and welcome to 'pointless cooking that has nothing to do with anyone's actual life'. Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than your whole house!!"

 

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My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh Jack, "she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

 

A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."

 

Thanks everyone for your concern.
I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though. I was robbed at the petrol station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money is gone however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, “Yes, it was pump number 2.”

 

A local man has been admitted to hospital with a golf ball lodged in his bottom.

His wife said its gone up a fairway.

 

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My doctor told me to take two tablets every four hours, and now I'm banned from PC World!!!!