A husband arrives home late for dinner, and his disgruntled wife says "why are you so late ?" He says "well I was in the yacht club and the President kept insisting on buying me drinks." "Why would he do that" she said. "Well the other day he had a big tear in the sail of his yacht and I managed to find him a replacement." "Oh yeah" she said "and where did you manage to find one ?" "In your knicker drawer" he replied.
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French twat again.'
Teacher to Tommy “If I gave you two apples, and when you get home your Uncle gave you one, what would you have?” Tommy replied “Two apples and a sore arse!”
I read something a little different about a pair of apples with my morning coffee today. A very young girl had an apple in each hand. When her mother asked her for one -- the young daughter took a bite from one, and after a good taste, she took a bite from the other. The mother was able to hold back her disappointment long enough for the girl to reach out and say, " here mommy, you can have this one -- it's sweeter.
