Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

• A man feared his wife Peg wasn"t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
• Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
• The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
• Here"s what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
• If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
• That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
• He says to himself, "I"m about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
• No response.So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Peg, what"s for dinner?"
• Still no response.Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
• Again he gets no response.So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
• Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what"s for dinner?"
• "Frank , for the FIFTH f*cking time, CHICKEN!"

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met...

 

I could hear my wife say, "I know you're there, pick up the phone." I hate visiting day in prison.

 

Did you hear about the Chamaeleon who couldn't change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction!

 

Love the one liners.

 

Statistics don’t lie

Average duration of a phone call

boy to boy: 59 seconds
Boy to mother : 57 seconds
Boy to dad : 30 seconds
Boy to girl : 1 hour 23 mins
Girl to girl : 5 hours
Husband to wife: 3 seconds

wife to husband : 14 missed calls.

 

What a cock

 

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Public information, which might be handy for some . . . .

Old bank notes will need to be changed by the end of September, so if you've got any that need to be sorted, or spent, do so

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-60763998

I didn't know where else to put this . . . . it's not worth it's own thread.

 

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Police today arrested a man who'd beaten his victims to death with soggy Weetabix in a sock ...

... he's believed to be Britain's worst ever cereal killer.

 

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing.
So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge... Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the assistant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom taps...one for the sink and one for the bathtub.

When the assistant was finished, Mary asked him, "How much are those taps?"
The assistant replied, "They are gold plated taps and very expensive. The price for both are $5,000".
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive...certainly out of my price range."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The assistant said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one.
From the back room he yelled..."Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the taps...

 

On Friday 1st April all petrol stations will slash 50% off petrol and diesel prices . . . . it'll be called April Fuels day.