Something I first heard in the 1960’s. Q. What’s the difference between a lorry load of sand and a lorry load of babies? A. You can’t unload the sand with a pitchfork.
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something... If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, whydid you ask me if I'm Irish?" The assistant replied, "Because you're in ikea ."
A mother in-law said to her sons wife when the baby was born "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son" The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said... "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a ****ing photo copier !!"
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "And zen what 'appened?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp." "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "What 'appened zen?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning.".
"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple minutes, and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.
Grigori and Ivan are in the queue for bread in Moscow and they'd been waiting for a couple of hours when Ivan said '**** this I'm sick of this ****, I'm off to go and kill that Putin ****er' and off he went. Three hours later Ivan returned to the bread queue. "How did it go ?" said Grigori, "what happened?" "Nothing" said Ivan, "the queue for killing Putin was longer than this one"
The Chelsea squad arriving at Carrow Road tonight ! Really nice touch having the Ukraine colours on the coach.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her carbroke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except thatevery few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
