Martinlewismoneysavingtips. Diesel £1.68 per litre... £85 to fill the tank. Fill her up and drive off. £50 Court fine. Save £35 per tank.
This Arsenal fan lost his hair when celebrating one of their goals at Watford yesterday please log in to view this image
I've just asked the Pharmacist.."Have you any Benylin"..? He said.."For Cough".. I said..." Ok mate,.I only asked"
Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" Wait for it The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain."
My wife is doing a parachute jump tomorrow, and I’m genuinely concerned that her chute won’t open. The last time something that big hit the planet, the f*cking dinosaurs got wiped out.
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanna watch. Got a lovely Tag Heur, but I think they misunderstood what I was asking for.
